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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in pheikrof's LiveJournal:

Friday, August 6th, 2004
9:45 pm
"Evermore"
My same friend that wrote the poem before wrote this..its kind of wierd in that it just sorta rambles but sometimes it rhymes and she asked me to put it in. i guess she was depresed I dunno. it's sometimes hard to read but bear with me and do it anyways.

[struggling for the freedom found by rushing waters leaped and bound taking hikes for nature calls and jumping down a leaping falls what does this say but murder us? what do we mean but rant and cuss? take me away forever gone take me far and high and long let me leave I don't belong I want to go never return I need my space I need a gift I want to fly not shuffle shift I fit away in sorrow told but sitting here I only fold within myself I see but naught I want and cry and hurt and knot I want and cry I cannot go I see no light in darkness curse I see no freedom groping failure flying does not fit with confinement halts my worry brief I stop and look but blind I am I say no but they take me anyway I'm trapped beyond relief and stage I bind myself with rope and wood where once I was I never stood I halt both here and then I see this tilting world is not for me. never for me and never yet I cannot have what I may get it never was I never am and wonder why sadness comes I fight but never see the light I cannot go I won't stay or cry I push on again but nothing comes I'm lost and dead I fill myself with reasons I should always doubt the higher life I cannot see targets among us they look for me I'm worried in spite of death why can't I ever catch my breath? gaining on my trampled soul I reach out for my untouchable goal it is not there it never was and now my mind is solely fuzz I lost myself when ran I did my self esteem just slip and skid I'm gone from earth I'm out of life I reached the end and now is death I'm gone for good and never return to death and fire and love that burn gone forever gone and like a bird I fly but never free in my confines I still lay weeping I see no light but what is seeping from the other side of prison that holds me till I die again it looks as though I've fallen more but I can't up off of the floor is this rock bottom how do I know when all around me people go about their ways never a glance I've done without I've lost my chance I'm gone from earth I'm gone from life I lost the way and now I die I became a ghost and wander still through night and fire and death and ill my mind is fake it's all a scam I loose more yet and they are mad. my rant can only hear myself it tosses grief and blots the light further still I cannot see if there is life why not me? gains by me stopping to rest I drink from temptation and sink in sand and yet I see no rope or hand I die again and think once more why can't I reach out to the floor? I look above me see a snake whatever I do I cannot shake this feeling of guilt like something I lost though I know I lost something can't think straight my head is bursting filled with lies how do I know these? where did they come from why do I know, why don't others see this and stop me first? why can't I see beyond my own pale face? that's all I know my hands in front of feet shuffling along the dirt and dirty legs and hair covered in filth left by my self I blind me further then I think why can't I reach up and not sink? I'm lost again on that one same path with no one there but rushing past I look again but the light avoids me I see only my own failure and nothing else it is this road and death lies waiting I stumble on not wanting to turn but something calls just beyond my hurt my pain my agony I can't reach it will I give up again? so many times lost count I have I want to stop this whirling rave I call back but no one comes I call again I fear the dark I wander in and no one's there but someone must be light is here I find no room but inside myself the grime is there and I can't fit I'm a mess and unclean still I look around there is space it lures me around but I resist what is this is it safe? when have I ever cared about safe? I wonder why I think this is wrong but know it's right I know it's me I know something but I don't know what. tempts me further I awake I see some more but hold a stake to my heart more pressure still can I take it with my will? hurting beyond what I should know I reach a new fire burning bright it warms me till I see again my grime is gone my pure returns I relive my past but nothing matters now is the time I live in again I laugh and strangeness fills my ears I weep for not pain but your life it showed me laughter and I cry with cleansing tears that wash my soul is happy I live on and no more hurt and stopped fire I warm to see the light surrounding me I see it now it's there and always has been I always missed the colors from my own repulse I shudder at my own denial why was I stupid? why did I miss this? this is bliss I find it now it lures me deeper until I come out into world I once forsake and now I see the lost and found seperated by this line I treaded once but fell over the edge now I am safely found on one side the side is right I lean over to grab others they look lost but I know the feeling I see them they look past me to their own worlds they know my hurt but can't see me I reach again and try once more why don't they see? I cannot change everything I know but if only I pulled one over my life would be complete and not a pile of filth like before now I know what I must do I see Him he loves me still I see again my eyes are clear no junk in place I feel born again and I am because he died for me so I don't ever have to though I died before that was nothing now I see and I am clean this love is free to me I have no price no fake no dirt no struggles holding me weighing me down I leap and free I am I bound and run and laugh and try again to show the other ones my joy. this joy is not only mine I share my brothers, sisters laughing holding loving each other I show them not only am I free they are free with me and I am happy, finally I look back once and He turns me away I don't need to remember how sad I was I know now because ever time I was sad he walked with me invisible because I blocked him out and now I find wherever I look the joys of life anf laughter here and there and under me around me still I long to bring others into my happiness truth I find I know it now come to me and play and laugh! be joyful scream and cry but not of sadness or only for those not yet with us it will be fine we will succeed it is shown me I know the life I see Him every day now I know He wants me loved always I am free of bounds and limits I fly away this time truly free no more wandering I can run and across grassy field of life I soar. I am happy evermore.]

So tell us what you think, really, and you should write something yourself too. (I also think this could be a song also) it sounds like one.

Stab, yall
Pheikrof

Current Mood: impressed
Monday, August 2nd, 2004
2:37 pm
Lost
My friend was chatting with me today and said some pretty interesting stuff.I'm a sucker for the hidden meanings in things, and this caught my eye. I wanted to see if anyone else could figure it out. tell me waht you think. (yes, I deleted our names and what I said...it's just my friend's words now)

"I just realized something: the world makes me very sad.
It's these gosh-darned PEOPLE around me
they're so....LOST!
It makes me sad
They swear, they have broken families, they cry about dead relationships.....it's so obvious but no one UNDERSTANDS
It's like they're all blind or something
"Why can't ONE GUY like me???/ WAAAAHHH!!!"
Duh, One guy DOES like you
you're just too shaded
too "cool"
your visors keep you from seeing what really exists out there
it's like a cloud covering us from the son
here on earth we can't see the light
it's really sad
I was just getting depressed
I hear sirens
someone's gone on, without knwing their destiny
*sigh*
I know I can't change everyone, but it's still killing me
like a jolt of acid electricity
Face it - our country's fallen away
I love the Souljahz song that talks about always doing what we want
"we do what we want cuz we're freedom slaves"
it's soooo true
we fight all the time for things we don't really need to do.....we just WANT to do them, so of course we HAVE to
I heard once that usually what men want most is the very worst for them
That's true in a sense - in physical things
but not in the spiritual
people want relationships
we were created to be with other people
we aren't here to be alone all our lives
but only being with other people makes no sense
they're just people, after all
It's like we need some sort of..............Super-person
one that doesn't leave, or think "I'm bored of this girl/guy"
if I were lost and looking for a relationship...I would be wishing this same thing
Too bad I'm so timid
I need now a super-pill
get my speed up
"Guarenteed to boost confidence and out-spokenness overnight!"
that's what I need
haha, nothing in this life is guarenteed
except that super-person
I hate people
I'm gonna cry
I HATE people
stupid, blind, judgemental,
stupid
also stupid
ARGH!
all so lost
We're so fake, we've tricked ourselves into thinking we're real.
We're back where we started again, more dead than ever.
travelling in circles, we've found ourself at our own beginning
we are lost"


Sounds like a good song. I dunno-doesn't seem all that weird from what i was saying before. I feel like everyone is really stupid sometims, too. so tell me what you think and .....uh that's it. really.

Stab, yall,
Pheikrof

Current Mood: pensive
Saturday, July 31st, 2004
7:20 pm
disease
I was thinking again, I do that sometimes and I thought about arguments. Sometimes you'll meet a person and theyl'l say, "dogs are better than cats." I personally like cats better because thye're cleaner and this bud of mine was like "they're disgusting!" I didn't even bother to say anything because I knew he'd argue more and more until we were mad at each other. It walways happens that way and you cant change it at all. I mean like, why can't you just shut up and listen to what the other one's saying? Is it so hard to stop your fricken mouth and open your stupid ears? America's too selfish. everyone thinks his way is the best because it's HIS way and no one elses. SHUT UP! your way is NOT necessarily the best just because it's the only one you know. learn how to listen. I hear d apoem once that went "The more you see the more you know, the more you know the more you hear, the more you hear the more you listen, the more you listen the wiser you are, why can't we all be like an owl?" so it's saying shut up and listen to someone else instead of voicing your own opinion no matter what, and maybe you'll actually get SMARTER. Since the pioneers and stuff we all got stupid. first it was just "give us equality for blacks and whites" that's cool. then it was "give us equalityu for men and women" that's cool too. but then it was like kids started sassing to their parents and people are saying "give us marriage to our own sex" WHAT?!?!?! Where does that fit into equality???? Gayness is just this disease, liek SARS or mad cow disease. it just infected people from the start and now its growingbecause people aren't discouraged from spreading it. In the dark ages there was a black plague. this spread because people were totally not seeing how dangerous it was and they just kept doing their stupid sick ways with rats and throwing crap in the streets. then people died a lot and they had to throw their dead in the streets. these people were morons, just like us. gayness is the new black plague and it's just spreading because no one can see it and it's infecting the way everyone thinks. I was talking to my girfriend the other day and she said that there were even gay people in the bible. now thats been around a lot longer than mad cow disease or the black plague. but you never heard of it until now. wonder why? our families are falling apart already. hwo many people do you know with a mom AND a dad in the same house who have never been married befre? gayness is just a spreading disease that will wipe out our country if we don't get rid of it. if everyone was infected with the black plague, they would almost all die. maybe 5% would live. if we were all gay, there would be no sex, and no one would live. if you have the black plague, we have a better chance of living on than if we're gay. that's pretty sad.

so that's why I like this journal, because I can say whatever I want and have no stupid interruptions before I'm done like "but gay is a right, too!" blah blah blah. I don't fricken care what you have to say, because I'm a selfish american! think about listening to someone else once in a while, gimboids.

Stab, yall,
Pheikrof

Current Mood: pissed off
Thursday, July 29th, 2004
1:53 pm
Tragedy
I was just listening to some music. The soul-seeping of music tells more than our stupid facial expressions and all that. sure, the words we say mean somethin, but that with the beats and movements of ripples of air say more ever. Don't get me wrong I love poems that MEAN something, but this music says more than just words ever could.

I didn't write alot lately since I don't have much on my mind. Things that don't go my way depress me. So profound. when I do things that other people think are weird, they run away, but when people do things that I think are weird, I think hey, that's interesting, maybe I should check it out. Whats the deal? Why am I different? I know some poeple are like me, but not alot. "He's weird lets walk away" isn't very smart. We're all diferent, duh, and you're going to end up pretty stupid and sheltered if you shun things different. I don't mean like religions and junk but like clothes or something. some kid walks in wearing plaid shorts and imediatly everyones like "yuck" but they're wearing even dumber stuff but because their wearing it, its cool. SHUT UP! Accept others for their selves, not how like you they are.

Also with that, don't switch to be like someone else just because you think their cool. You are yourself, too. never change to be somebody else, cuz that makes you stupider than the people who criticize diff. people.

Just think about this stuff and tell me what you think, or somethin.

Stab, yall,
Pheikrof

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
10:19 am
If anyone ever happens to find me
Tell me what you think of that poem - my friend wants to know how the peoples likes it. They are also working on another that I will post probably later today. For now I'm gonna go see who all shares my interests and whats goin down.

Stab, yall,
Pheikrof

Current Mood: busy
Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
10:14 pm
Bound
This is a poem my good friend wrote for all those in need of a way out of grief...

*Swirling through the dense fog, strengthening, growing, seeping towards the light
I quiver, I cannot sustain myself, I fall
I stretch again but cling to my old passions
Can I let go? No, I slide away
Slinking towards the dawn
I shudder, I try my might again and again - I lose the battle
Flailing and screaching with wretched cries, what am I good for?
I am so lost but every time I try to find joy I fall upon myself!
I long for something out there, that isn't here, but it will not find me!
What if only a light could come here? A light could brace against the larger light and make me a path to find out
What would I do for that?
I reach but my arms are short - are these arms or wreaths of darkness?
Who am I really?
wWhat do I mean in this place of wailing?
Everyone is lost as me
Ghastly sights that shouldn't be, why do I seduce myself to these images?
What have we become?
What do we know when all we know is death?
What do we see when what we see is clouded?
What do we hear when only screaching fills our ears?
Harsh cries and toneless, harmony hasn't found his place, why did I?
What joy permeates where I exist?
Do I exist?
Why can't I live?
What is life really?
How do I know I've found it when all my senses are dulled to blank stares and senseless melodramas.....this is useless
I am useless!
Why do I even try?
why do i even try?
what could possibly come of my efforts, when i am but myself
alone
lost
fearful of...what?
what is there to tear me?
if there is no light, what is darkness really?
it can't be all bad.......what if I let the darkness eat me?
Yes. I shall become strong and rule myself!
I am king! I am goddess, I am ruler!
I live now! I see what is before me and only the edges of my vision are clouded.
They are clouded.
I can ignore such things....I have life now!
I live happy, I will die happy, I am not bad, I am good. I am worth. I am full.
Why do I feel empty?
I deceive myself.....where is the true meaning?
Why won't the light find me now?
Must I search and fail again?
Struggles are useless if there is no one to catch me later....I will fall to pits and darkness I do not want.
I desire a.....I do not know.
Who will show me light?
Who will show me life?
Who will show ME?

I sit here now and think, with failures, allures, sadness, darkness.
One place I dare not branch, but I have not tried this!
I can't go crazy, I have ration, I must see clearly.
Is there something more?
Someone more?
Someone?
Someone has found me.
I am found.
Found, and now I am bound.
Bound.*
4:40 pm
First entry
Yo homies.

Check my style - don't like it? cool, see ya around. Death is my thing, I know all about it. I eat people's souls If I feel like it. I'm plastic. But enough about that....le'ts move on to lighter things. I'm gonna come here to show you my fave things whether they be songs or images or poems or whatever I feel like. I don't really care about your comments, good or bad, so I probably won't reply if you write to me. I may not even read them, just so you knows it. For sure, I won't get all worked about your lame-brain sucky "opinions" or whatever you call them nowadays. I'll say what I feel and you have your own space. Don't invade mine unless I ask you to. I'm Irish. Green Power.

Stab, yall,

Pheikrof
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